Border // Y&Y

The Illusion I Created

I created an illusion of me been better every time I'm not. So that people will eventually think I am better.

And when all is thinking of the good thing, I'll feel good. Which makes me a little step ahead of being better.

One step at a time,
starting from the time I first creates the illusion.

I promise myself

I promise myself
To love you more
To always be there
To not care about them
And whatever they are saying.

I promise,
It will be just you and me.

You know me

I'm not mad,
I'm not disappointed,
I'm fine.

You know me.
I'm just tired.

Dear Heart

I love you,
I love you every day,
I love you until I cannot live a day not hearing you say "I love you".

Blackouts

At first, there is something wrong with the lights. Then, it is drizzling outside. I already went to the toilet, and still have a thought if I go one more time, refreshing myself, definitely will help me sleeping tonight. Wake up from the higher bed than what I used to suddenly it is... dark. Blackout.

For some people, this situation is an advantage for them to sleep. No light, coldness from the rain. Honestly if I'm at home, I will probably be naked under my blanket. If only!

But not here, I started to hear a crying children from the other room, nope it is a child, or maybe children, because I cannot hear clearly. Then there is a nurse entering our room, informing "The situation is under control, please stay on your own bed, gentlemen."

I nodded, I am sure she saw me nodding in the darkness but the light from the cars on the street helping that young woman see clearly. Just before leaving us, I ask "Nurse, how about him?" pointing at the guy sleeping on the next bed beside me.
"He will be alright, the machine he's depending to have an emergency battery up to 12 hours without charging." She smile.

'How come such big well funded hospital do not have any backup power?'

The kid or kids that crying just now is silent, not just that, it is a total silent. There is no voice inside my head, I wonder  is the little me sleeping? I hear only two things, droplets and my heart beats,until I fall asleep.

***

Not having a good sleep last night, my head is dizzy. But it is totally not the sleep, some noise from the next bed at 6 in the morning, yes, it is the one who disturbed my mind. I sit on my bed, bow a little bit just so my hand can reach the curtain. The curtain then pulled by the very know palm of the nurse visited us last night.
"He's dead." I look onto her watery eyes, I know she have a story for me, but she is just standing there, speechless.

The Pro

"So, what makes you different from the other candidates?"

Smile. "I keep professionalism on the top of other. I didn't attend my grandpa's funeral during my work time on my previous job. I don't even knew he's dead. I ignored 23 miss calls and 50 texts from my family members. Because I by that time am at work. No place for family business during work time."

The same smile still.

Li Mei's Pin

"You know, my job is not really to judge my customers' deeds, separate the good from the evil, and all that. That's your job. I just make the burgers. Just because I let them buy from me doesn't mean I agree with what they do." says Pin to the shadow.

"But whose side are you on, Pin?"

Pin shrugs. "Mine. That is what this place is. Just me and my rule." ...
...

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall down for anything. And hell is a long way down, Pin. I heard it's got the hottest place reserved for neutrals like you."

Pin grins, but there is no humor in his eyes. The steam rises to his glistening face as he presses the meat onto the hot plate.
"We are already in hell, Mr. L. And you're right, I'm in a pretty sizzling spot." Pin flipped the patty. "But it's alright, I can take the heat."

Fear

"What's really on your mind? Fear? Fear of what? What are you afraid of?...
Fear? What? Fear of what?"

"Death."

"But we all are going to die anyway!"

"Yup, and it's a surprise... And in my case, it is not anymore."

#BeforeIDie

#BeforeIDie I want to thank all those people who stood by me during my bad times..

— A. Hammad (@PersonalViews) March 7, 2015

Thank you :)

Life

Deep

I hate it every time I'm looking for an advice, then it goes to different way.

And I hate it more when it's going deeper.

And I hate it I started.

Bald

"Why botak?" I get that often.
And my only answer, "Suka-suka, fashion statement."

Then people will show me that 'serious?' face.

A photo posted by MUTASI (@danyeladam) on Apr 9, 2015 at 5:59am PDT

A photo posted by FALIQ (@faliq10) on Feb 5, 2015 at 9:21pm PST

A photo posted by MoZaS (@ameysuhailee) on Mar 25, 2015 at 1:51am PDT

A photo posted by Lester Tan (@ibuildsandcastle) on Feb 3, 2015 at 3:04am PST

A photo posted by taufik :') (@mohammadtaufik7) on Feb 23, 2015 at 3:47am PST

Nope, I lied.

Tips

1. Are you sure?
Don't start if you're not ready to finish.

2. Heart beat.
Feel it gently. Faster pulse is a green light. If it's slow, make it fast unless it's never gonna.

3. Set targets.
Aim for only small number of steps. But make every effort worthy.

4. Prepare plans.
If plan A isn't working, he/she probably wanna try something new.

5. Go for twice.
One is just a no, two is BIG yes, three and above are depending on both of you.

Last but not least,
6. Appreciate.
Show him/her he/she's appreciated. He/she will never regret.

Has been a while

... lie in the cabin.
Has been a while
lone ranging.

Lessons to be learnt

#22531/3/2015" I'm diagnosed with cancer when I were first year. It wasn't easy to go through but nothing is. I tried...
Posted by UTM Confessions v2 on Monday, 30 March 2015

* Don't do anything stupid that can harm yourself.
* Nothing's easy. Work harder for better future!
* You can't live alone, you need supports.
* There is always a way, keep in mind.
* Money can't buy happiness. But money can double happiness.
* Buy insurance coverage when you can afford to buy one (some companies do cover this).
* Dream big. Pray, hope, and believe.
* It's not about who you are, it's about what you do to yourself.
* GST? No further comment.

Don't be so hard,

How to not be hard on yourself #ThoughtsVisualized pic.twitter.com/2KpQ1geeAa

— Anna Vital (@annavitals) March 15, 2015

Thanks, Anna ;) 

Gentle Bones'

"Darling we will sing until we die,

we'll never waste these tears on fears and cries

and now the world is ours to take

and every single move is ours to make."

So funny

So funny how things work..

I have cancer from the use of drugs. And now the doctor drugs me to cure my cancer.

So funny.

Happiness is..

I was so sad, a year ago, the day I received the bad news. Felt like my world is taken away forever. I stayed inside my room for weeks, didn't go to class. Grieving. Pleasing the dark force.

I told myself, this is the consequence. I deserved all this. I have no other reason to stay, to live. I refused to undergo any treatment. Not because I don't love myself, it's because I love others. And on my mind, world would be better for them without me.

Plot twisted! Run away from everyone made me think, think, think so much about the future. The doctor said it'll be just one year, then I can hide no more. It's not like everyone else, which most of them show no physical marks. My case is different. One year isn't that long period. It's just few blinks of eyes. Furthermore, after this one year, who will take care of me? 

"No one will."

So I decided to just do the treatments.

Yes, it hurts. Hurts me more than I leave it on its own. Besides, it costs me like I'm the son of the mighty king of the nation. However, I did made it to -almost- the last. Other people might not know what happened to me, but tbh everyone, especially the ones close to me seem do care and understand my condition. Slowly, step by step, I can feel those hands helped me. 

Throwback a year ago, I was giving up on life, not only that but everyone, including god. It sound like terrible, it is! Now every morning breeze blows over my window curtains is such a bless.

Thank god.

Thank you.

______________________________________________________________________________

Happiness is not having to set alarm the next day, they say. Or/and talking to a friend who makes you feel that everything's going to be okay. Or/and Friday. I had it all a year ago yet I was still not happy. Five days ago, I'm sitting next to my best girl friend in my class. On her tumbler, written;

on Mar 2, 2015

Then I smiled.